Eager to Be Healthy- Robert Jones Finding Happiness after Divorce 2015

Michael Scott Eger: Hi, I’ve learned a lot from adversity and today we have the story of Robert Jones who battled for custody of his child. He’s going to talk about life after divorce, raising a young man to be ⁓ a contributor to the family, more importantly how he keeps his family healthy and happy. You’re listening.

Robert Jones: to the Eager to be Healthy podcast with Michael Scott Eager. Learn how to be happy while being healthy and living life to the fullest.

Michael Scott Eger: you On today’s show, we have Robert Jones. And we’re going to talk about life after marriage, single parenting, and what you do to keep happy after divorce. So Robert, why don’t you say hi to everyone?

Robert Jones: Hey everybody, how’s everyone doing? I’m a single dad and I’ll actually be 46 next month. I wasn’t always single. I went through a pretty acrimonious divorce, but most divorces are acrimonious. Mine was, I would say, more so than average because I was also embroiled in a custody case. Interesting was… The divorce was taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally because I wasn’t able to see my son. So recognizing the toll it took on me, I went to seek professional help. So I went to see a psychiatrist and I would say that was probably the best decision I ever made because during the time of spending with the psychiatrist and discussing my challenges and my issues, she was the one who actually convinced me to go for custody. because initially I didn’t think I would get custody. mean, how many single dads with no kids was my first child would get custody, especially in state of Massachusetts, a Commonwealth state, knowing that I was just going to go for joint custody and just leave it at that. But I knew in my heart that my son would be better off with me being the primary custodial parent. So went through a lot of issues, phony restraining orders. that was placed on me and as soon as I went to court the next day they were dropped because they were erroneous. A lot of bitter and angry, hate-filled activity aimed at me and using my son as a pawn. So to kind of skip forward, went through the court case, that took about almost three years and thousands upon thousands of dollars. I got custody of my son and I was scared because I didn’t know what I was going to do. I’m like, okay, I fought with everything that I had financially and emotionally and mentally to get my son. Now I have him. He’s three years old at the time. He’s now, he’ll be 10 next month. ⁓ What do I do with a three-year-old kid? I have no experience. I don’t know what to do. I had a strong support system of friends and certain family members, all of which were parents, and they helped me out. And then I just incorporated a lot of common sense. I read a lot of books on parenting, sought the advice of parents whom I admired from just seeing what their parenting style was like, also being around their kids and seeing how well-adjusted their kids were and how well-behaved their kids were. And just the overall approach they took with parenting was something that I felt, if I was a parent, that’s the type of approach I would take. When you take advice from people, want to look at the person who you’re taking advice from. If you’ve got financial woes, you don’t talk to someone else with financial woes. You talk to somebody who has a grasp on it. I needed a grasp on parenting, so I talked to people who I thought were doing a good job. So I got custody of my son, and then things went well. And that kind of transitioned into phase two, dating while being a single parent. Because of my divorce and some of the issues I went through, one of my prerequisites in dating a woman was, and for the most part, most of the women I dated all had kids because I kind of stayed in my age range, so a lot of them have kids. But my number one prerequisite was that they had to be a good mom. If a woman would leave her kids at the drop of a dime just to spend time with me, she was automatically out. If a woman was trying to spend a lot of time with me, At the same time neglecting her kids, she was out. How her kids behaved, because I would do play dates. My son was young, he didn’t know what was going on. So he would just see, ⁓ more kids for me to play with. Not only how their kids interacted with my son, but how they interacted overall. Were they well-behaved? Did they have manners? Were they presentable? That all kind of factored in in terms of who I would choose to date. and I dated a lot. I never introduced my son to any woman romantically and he’s gonna be 10 next month and he’s never seen a woman in my bed. He’s never seen me hugging or kissing on a woman because A, I feel that’s inappropriate. B, if I decide to go that route with a woman, I would need to be in a serious monogamous relationship to do that. You know, it’s interesting where you meet men and women that will meet somebody and only know them for Mayor hours and then all of a sudden, know, they’re hugging and kissing, you know, sleeping over in front of their kids and then something doesn’t work out. The following week, month, few months, they repeat the cycle all over again. So then, you know, in the course of a year, you can have a number of different men or women in front of your kids. And that’s just, for me, that’s just not healthy. And I don’t, and I just don’t want to do that. Nah, I’ve never had an issue. I date a lot and I’m very honest when I date, when I meet women. I tell them right out the gate, hey, I’m not really looking for anything serious. I date a lot and if you’re cool with that, then you know, we can date. If it’s an issue, then you know, we can just be friends and keep it moving. I like to throw that out there first before any woman invests emotionally. in me before any kind of kissing or touching or any emotions have been transferred. I want women to know to be able to make a decision beforehand before the emotion factor set in that okay I think I can hang with this guy for a little while or no that’s not what I’m looking for. Nine times out of ten the women typically will say ⁓ yeah I’m fine with that I’m dating too and I’ve had a woman here or there simply say no I’m looking for something. more substantial, something monogamous. Yeah, I’m gonna have to decline. And I’m like, you know, that’s fine. And I’m still friends with them. I’ve learned over the years that the women that say that they’re okay with it really aren’t okay with it. And they feel that they have the magic unicorn, if you know what I mean, using euphemisms, that once they put it on me, then all of a sudden I’m just gonna like have an epiphany and be like, oh, oh my God, you’re the best. You’re the best I ever had. I wanna be with you. And then we trot off into the sunset, happy forever. And when that doesn’t happen, especially if it doesn’t happen in the timeframe, then all of a sudden some bitterness sits in and then that’s when you start seeing the attitude. But I’d rather be damned if I do versus damned if I don’t. I told you right from the very beginning how I am. what I’m looking for, what I’m not looking for. And I never throw anything in a woman’s face. I’m not like, ⁓ I can’t see you tonight because I’m seeing somebody else tonight. I mean, there’s definitely a lot of employed, but I’m not a liar and I’m not going to lie about stuff.

Michael Scott Eger: I want you to go back to the beginning where you had a hostile breakup with your ex. How did you manage to keep your happiness and survive during that period?

Robert Jones: Well, I didn’t keep my happiness. At one point, I remember laying on the ground in my garage, which I’m glad she didn’t see that because then she would have knew that, ⁓ I got him. And I’m going to applying pressure to that point. But I literally thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was dying. Hindsight being 20-20, I was on the precipice of a nervous breakdown. And that was all fueled by the fact that we were still living under the same roof while we were going through. And this was before we even filed for divorce. But we still living under the same roof and I couldn’t even see my own son under the, you know, living in the same house. I mean, she was keeping him from me. And somebody might say, oh, come on, how could she do that? You know, I had a 6,000 square foot house, four levels, including the basement, eight bedrooms. And on the third floor where the boys stayed. was our guest room, so she was in the guest room. When I would come home from work, I would try to see my son. She would say, you you’re not gonna see him. And she would start hurling all kinds of epithets at me. know, MFs, Fs, every bomb you can think of dropping at me. So meanwhile, my two-year-old son, not knowing what’s going on, is looking at me, and all I can do is look at him and smile, because I don’t want him seeing me being upset. So… And then her kids, which I call them my kids because I’ve known them three quarters of their lives and I’m still involved with them, would see this and they would get upset. So if I stayed right there in front of her, she would keep on doing it. If I moved, if I went downstairs, of course it would stop. So that was one way of keeping me from my son. The other way, which was probably… pivotal turning point for me and for her because she realized I do have, I had a limit when it came to my son. I was holding my son in the kitchen one day and you know just talking to him and kissing him like I always do and she came downstairs and walked by me and she just turned and snatched him out of my arms. So I’m like what are you doing? So I went to grab him back so I’m grabbing him and my arms are in his arms I’m trying to pull him. ⁓ and she’s grabbing him by the legs and pulling his torso and she kept pulling and pulling. In the meantime, my son was screaming. He was crying and screaming and she wouldn’t stop pulling. And I needed to make a decision, you know, do I keep pulling or do I let go? So I let go because I didn’t want my son to be screaming and crying. So there was no limit to the vindictiveness on her part. There wasn’t a limit as far as I was concerned when it came to my son. So at that point, she knew that I had a limit. I had a breaking point. And I also knew that she didn’t have one. So I wasn’t going to keep putting my son in those environments. If I had him and she wasn’t giving me any problems, then it was great. had put him in his, I had a three wheel carriage and we’d go down to Forest Park and run around and he’d play in the grass or go down to the playground. If she had a problem for whatever reason, then I would just back away and let it roll. But at that point, I realized that I needed to file for divorce because I needed to get a parenting plan so I can have unfettered access to my son without her interfering.

Michael Scott Eger: It’s not the first time I heard that children have been using the pawn in in divorce. But the thing is, most people don’t hear the story from a man’s point of view, especially when it’s like the first child. Most people think that us guys, we are nomads and we’ll just pick up and we go away and no harm, no foul. But there’s some guys that want to do the hard work. ⁓ Can you speak up on that?

Robert Jones: ⁓ My inner circle are great dads, great fathers. And despite us always going back and forth, you know, talking junk about each other and cracking on each other, are great men. I can’t associate myself with somebody who’s a deadbeat dad because I can’t respect that. The damage that’s being done to the kids ⁓ is irreparable in many cases. One thing you’ve got to realize, in the court system, and yeah, this is a biased opinion, but I think it’s backed by empirical data. In the court system, the women automatically, in terms of custody cases, the women automatically have a head start. If you’re a 100 yard dash, they have a 50 yard head start, or maybe 60, 65 yard head start. And we’re coming from behind. And sometimes that head starts insurmountable for men to overcome. And a lot of women know this. A woman can levy an allegation saying, ⁓ he did this, he did that. And we got to prove that we didn’t do it. If a man levies an allegation, ⁓ she did this, she did that, we need to prove the burden of proof is on us to prove that she, yes, did in fact do that and show evidence that she did do. Whereas a woman can levy any kind of allegation and the court’s just going to just, okay, now the guy’s gotta prove that he didn’t do that. And that takes a beating on most men. It takes a beating on most men. My son is the most important thing to me in my life. I love being a father. I love my son. And I fought for him.

Michael Scott Eger: So let’s move closer to the present day. There’s a lot of extra work for a son, especially when you’re by yourself. How do you keep fun? Okay. And since this is a health show, let’s start, we can talk about mealtime too.

Robert Jones: Before we get into that, one of the things I wanted to do, kinda like a public service announcement for guys who are going through what I went through or are currently dealing with, one of the first things you need to do is you need to keep a journal. You know, when something happens, you write it down in your calendar, the date and time, you know, I went to see my son, she said no. You write it down, because when you get to court, you can’t, you’re not gonna remember all these things, especially if you’re dealing with a lot of things. you know day in and day out, in, week out, month in, month out. Another thing is if you’re paying child support you need to go to the post office or wherever but I went to the post office, got a money order, mailed it to her certified return receipt. So basically that means that it gets sent to her, she gets notification that she’s got a letter at the post office or if she’s home she’s got a sign for it. and then you get the slip back saying she received and she signed for it. The post office, at least I know in Mass in this area, they make three attempts. After the third attempt, then it gets mailed back to you. Because I ran an issue where she said I wasn’t paying my child support when I was paying it on time. everything you do, you have to dot your I’s, cross your T’s. If the communication is argumentative or polemic, then you communicate over text. and then you forward those texts to your email address so you have a, and create a folder so you have repository of those texts so you can go back. And more importantly, you can print them off for your lawyer. So you always have to back yourself up. Never give cash, keep all your receipts, and above all, the times when you’re really getting upset, think about your child. That’s one of the things that went through my head. whenever I had to engage with her in any way. Is what I say gonna harm my son or is it gonna help him? And if the answer is it’s gonna harm him, even if I gotta take egg on my face, I won’t engage in it. Now the happy stuff, you know, I’m a big kid and I like having fun and I like wrestling and I like playing. I get on the ground, I roll in the snow, I roll in the dirt. I make everything fun. Being a single dad, you know, I have a lot of play dates because I think as a parent There’s so many outside obstacles that you can’t control So if there is an aspect that you can control My advice is you control it So, you know, I like to control who my son plays with the type of kids they are the parents etc, etc now my son has been diagnosed with ADHD, which is you know We went, had an extensive evaluation and testing and stuff like that done. I recently went gluten-free and dairy-free. So that was a trial and error basis because a lot of gluten-free foods just are nasty. And I think I found a balance where we can get the gluten-free, dairy-free foods, certain brands that are delicious and also in the way I make it. So, you know, I cook just about every night, even though we’re going to go out. tonight to go eat because my nephew’s in town for a school break. But I cook every night not because I have to, because I do. But I think it’s important for my son to see his father, a man, cook and clean and do laundry. Because when he grows up, I’m going to teach him how to cook and clean and iron his clothes and do laundry. Because I don’t want him thinking that’s a woman’s role or a woman’s responsibility. kind of jumping back light years back. I remember when I was in RA in college and a lot of the guys on my floor, they didn’t know how to do laundry. Their clothes were coming out all magenta. They were mixing colors with whites and hot water. I would iron my clothes, my door open, getting ready to go out for the night or whatever or go out for work and people are like, what are you doing? These guys didn’t even know how to iron their clothes. So I fast forward to present day. I’m like, nah, my son’s gonna know how to do everything. He’s gonna be a contributor in a relationship versus being a consumer. Because women really appreciate when a guy will step up and be a man and help and not having to be told. If I’m with a woman and she’s cooking, you know, I mean, I could cook, but let’s say if I’m with a woman she’s cooking, when she’s done cooking, I’m gonna get up. and take care of the dishes. She doesn’t need to tell me, doesn’t need to prompt me. That’s just common courtesy. If I see the trash needs to be taken out, I just take it out. No one needs to tell me. If I see something that needs to be cleaned, I just clean it. No one needs to tell me. And that’s the types of stuff that, types of things and character traits that I’m teaching my son.

Michael Scott Eger: So what type of dishes do you like cooking for him?

Robert Jones: I found the great quinoa pasta. So he loves the quinoa pasta. What I normally do is I’ll brown up some ground turkey meat. And I’ve been going organic, no hormones, grass-fed meats when I get them. So I brown that up, season it little bit of onion powder and garlic powder. So as I’m boiling the water for the pasta, I’m seasoning the meat. And then I use ⁓ all natural organic gluten-free pasta sauce. ⁓ He likes roasted garlic, sometimes the vodka sauce, and we use that. And then what I’ll do is I’ll saute some spinach in grape seed oil or some asparagus and grape seed oil. And depending, you know, whether that’ll be a side dish or what I’ll do is I’ll chop them up and then mix it in with the pasta. And so we’re getting, he’s getting his carbs, his protein, and his vegetable portions in one dish. He loves salads, so I tend to make a lot of salads. I’ll use organic romaine and spinach leaf, cut up some cucumbers, a little bit of garlic, some red peppers, mix it all up, red onions, mix it up. He loves that. He also loves lamb. I make a great mesquite lamb. He loves his lamb chops, barbecue chicken, I usually go for the leg. Tons of, you he loves asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, summer squash. I’m like the cauliflower broccoli, I’ll steam. I tried Brussels sprouts, but he wasn’t really feeling that. For breakfast, he likes, I get the cinnamon raisin, gluten-free bread, Rudy’s is the brand. Organic peanut butter and jelly he likes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast and the jelly doesn’t have any high fructose corn syrup or any dyes or any sucralose in it so he gets that ⁓ He might want a piece of toast so I use ⁓ oil or something for you know don’t use butter or margarine and the oil is gluten-free dairy free nut free etc and then for snacks quinoa chips tons of fruit He’s starting to get into hummus. I introduced him to a lot of different things. He loves seafood. He loves squid salad. If I put it in my mouth, he’s going to put it in his mouth. He sees me eating it, so he wants to eat it. he’s got a pretty eclectic palate. He likes sushi. He loves seaweed salad. He eats pretty well. He’s going to be a big kid, too.

Michael Scott Eger: Well, ⁓ as you were talking, I’m like, growing up in Springfield, a of those ingredients are not available in the city limits. mean, yes, you can get the seaweed, you can get a few other things, but it seems that the specialty stores to focus more to the organic and are outside of the city limits closer to Northampton.

Robert Jones: I have to disagree with that Michael because Springfield and I’ve only lived in Springfield like six seven years I’m not from here but Springfield is an amalgamation of black folks, Hispanic folks, Asian folks and you break it down on the Asian side you’ve got Chinese, have Vietnamese, you have ⁓ Laotians, you break it down on the Hispanic side, you’ve got Puerto Ricans, you’ve got Mexicans, you’ve got Guatemalan, Central Americans. On the black side, you’ve got African Americans, you’ve got Jamaicans, you have Haitians. So there’s a lot of different cultures melded within, and also Greeks, Italians. There’s a lot of different cultures. So where I find, I shop at Big Y normally, and they have organic sections. They have a gluten-free section, which is fairly new. Super stop and shop. has some of the gluten-free cereal that Big Y doesn’t have. Excuse me. ⁓ They also have the quinoa barbecue chips that Big Y doesn’t have. And then I do a lot of my shopping at Fresh Acres right there on Wilberham Road. And Fresh Acres is kind of a smaller version of Whole Foods. And they’re also owned by Big Y. There’s an Asian supermarket convenience store on Main Street. where you can go in and get the seaweed salad and et cetera. And they also sell that fresh acres too. So yeah, you might have to a few more trips here and there. Read the labels. They say when you go shopping at the grocery stores, the healthiest stuff is on the outer perimeter of the store. All the processed foods and unhealthy options are in the aisles of the store. So I find myself on the perimeter ⁓ mostly. and my organic and fresh non-GMO type products.

Michael Scott Eger: Alright, so let’s talk about the future because we’re getting ready to wrap up. ⁓ So what do you plan to do to focus on your health and happiness with you and your son?

Robert Jones: Well, one of the things, now that we’re a dairy-free, gluten-free household, it’s easier for your child to adopt that with less disruption if he sees you eating the same stuff he’s eating. Or if they see you eating the same stuff that they’re eating. I don’t make separate meals. You know, if I’m making him something, a gluten-free, dairy-free breakfast, I’m eating the same breakfast. So, and I always reinforce it by, hey, daddy has the same diet as you. We’re gluten-free and dairy-free together. And he’ll smile and be like, yeah, daddy, we’re gluten-free and dairy-free together. So kids really mimic everything you do. I’m also probably looking to settle down. I kind of like being a freelancer. I think I’m at a stage. I think I got a lot of the bitterness and anger, not all of it, but a lot of it. ⁓ I got out of my system and I’m still currently working through which that bitterness and anger prevented me from You know really developing any significant relationships. I never had a problem meeting women and dating women ⁓ But I always had my walls up and I would only let them get so far or get so close rather and then I moved on I think I’m at a stage where I can probably settle down with somebody and I’ve learned a lot. And I think that would not only be good for me, but it probably be good for Maxwell since he hasn’t seen his father in a relationship. So she’s gotta be special and she’s gotta be patient.

Michael Scott Eger: And you hope this recording helps you find that person? ⁓ You’re allowed to say yes.

Robert Jones: No, no. Yeah, hey, you know, we say something, I don’t have a problem with saying yes, but no, I mean, I’ve got a lot of options. So, you know, I’m not worried about that.

Michael Scott Eger: Alright, so do you have anything you’d like to plug? know we met at an urban art scene. Do you want to plug that or something?

Robert Jones: ⁓ We’ve got the New York City Cruise coming up Memorial Day weekend in May, that’s Saturday. Signing 50 bucks, that includes the bus ride out of Bloomfield, the ticket to the yacht, food, open bar, DJ, it’s a great time. And actually, you know, you’ve been there last year, so. ⁓

Michael Scott Eger: recovery.

Robert Jones: So we’re accepting deposits and the seats are filling up fast. Renaissance art space with Darrell Morris, we’re still doing events at 1600 Main Street, Bear Garden, Open Mic, Springfield Mass, Open Mic, ⁓ Poetry and Dress, which is erotic and sexual-oriented poetry. We’ve got a Dinner and Dialogue series where we talk about community issues. ⁓ local global issues. think our next Interim Dialogue for March is going to center around racism. We’re going to talk about that. ⁓ We’ve got a lot of different things going on. If you don’t know who I am, know Robert C. Jones on Facebook and then my partner Darryl E. Moss is on Facebook and that’s how we for the most part promote a lot of our events and activities. Yeah, we are in Massachusetts, we are in Springfield, Mass. We love poetry, we love live music, we center mostly on like neo-soul, ⁓ live rock and roll. We bring it back down to the grassroots. And my partner in crime, Darrell Moss, he wrote a book, he published a book last year called She Watches Me Through My Words. And it’s a series of poems. very poignant. He’s a nationally renowned poet, Darrell Moss.

Michael Scott Eger: All right, so I know you want to spend some time with your son and I’m taking what I’m You lent me some of your vacation time you have this interview. So once you thank you for that and Any advice to be any advice you want to give I am closing to be healthy and happy

Robert Jones: The advice I would give is never give up. Never give up on your kids. ⁓ Never give up on yourself. And that’s what I would say. And it’s okay to seek professional help. It’s not a character assassination of yourself or an indictment that you’re weak. Sometimes you need an unbiased ⁓ opinion to kind of help you see through things that you’re myopic. Vision won’t allow you to see.

Michael Scott Eger: Cool. All right. So until the next time. All right. Thank you. But.

Robert Jones: Absolutely, thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you for listening to the Eager to be Healthy podcast. If you liked our show, please give us five stars on iTunes and sign up to become a healthy bee at eagertobeehealthy.com slash podcast. ⁓